It's Hard Being More Enlightened Than Everyone Else

A few weeks ago I had a visit from my partner Annabelle and her husband. They are a polyamorous, kinky, sex-positive, politically liberal and totally awesome couple and they have a habit of saying, "It's hard being more enlightened than everyone else."

Ninety percent of the time that's a joke but there's also some truth to it. Of course, they aren't the type who would just come out and say that their sexual choices (kinky, poly, open-minded) make them somehow more enlightened than someone who makes different choices. Nor am I. But, speaking only for myself now, sometimes it's difficult not to think it. It sounds unbelievably smug, superior and condescending to think that one is more enlightened than other people, but on the rare occasions that I start to feel that was it's usually accompanied not by smugness but by despair.

To point out a (not very personal) example, I want to mention a recent This American Life show -- the title and topic of the episode was "Infidelity" (listen here). The episode begins by talking about the Mark Sanford scandal and spins off from there into several tales about people cheating on their partners.

You might think that, as a nonmonogamous person, I'm probably a smug bastard about the fact that I've never cheated, not because I'm so high and mighty but because I've never really had to -- and you'd be right. I can be very obnoxious. I made a regrettable inappropriate joke at a party recently that drew some sharp glances. For the most part, however, I'm out of the stage that comes early in a person's polygamous life where they feel the need to proselytize for nonmonogamy. But the one time that I honestly do start to think, "It's hard being more enlightened than everyone else," is when I hear stories infidelity in supposedly monogamous relationships create such misery in so many lives. This American Life came out back in October and I decided to listen to it for this blog but it took me a month and four tries to finish it because it was so difficult to listen to stories about that kind of pain.

It depresses me so much to hear about John Edwards, Mark Sanford and Tiger Woods, not to mention This American Life or a friend of mine who just went through a break-up full of unfounded jealous accusations, that at my lowest moments I do sort of wonder why people put themselves through it again and again and never start to question the idea of monogamy. I mean, I assume it's because of that comforting feeling that your partner loves only you, that you fulfill their every need, that you complete them in every way and therefore have total control over their sexual and emotional desires. I can see how that would be attractive but isn't it totally impossible? Shouldn't people get comfortable with the fact that it's totally impossible and go from there?

I don't know, but when I hear about the wreckage infidelity leaves in so many lives I get depressed enough that I'm tempted to say yes. And I don't want to be that guy who actually thinks he's more enlightened, who actually thinks he knows what's best for everybody else. Those people are almost invariably so far behind they think they're first, and I don't want that to be me. Sometimes it's just kind of depressing...

Annabelle River -- Now a Blogger!

It gives me great pleasure to present to you my wonderful partner Annabelle's new blog, Annabelle's Manifesto. Annabelle has been writing for Sexgenderbody.com for nearly a year and is now making the leap into running her own blog. There she will share her rather amazing insights into BDSM, polyamory, sexuality and feminism with the world, despite being cursed with a very midwestern modesty that has her mystified that anyone would care what little-old-her has to say. Annabelle, you're awesome, and frankly your sex writing is way more interesting than mine. (Ha-ha! Now who has more midwestern modesty?! In your face!)

In honor of Halloween, you might want to start with a post she wrote a few days ago called In Praise of "Dress Like a Whore" Day.

It's almost Halloween again, which at least in the United States means it's time for the annual panic shared equally by the right and the left: Girls' Halloween costumes are too slutty.

Polyamory Featured on MTV Tonight

I just got an e-mail from Poly NYC saying that tonight the MTV series True Life is doing an episode about polyamory in New York City. It is at 10 PM this evening. I've never watched the series before -- in fact, I haven't watched anything on MTV in years. However, even though I could fairly be described as "wiped out" by work this time of year, I'm going to be my best to stay up late enough to tune in tonight. Failing that, there's always DVR.

So I'll give you my thoughts on that soon -- assuming the show is actually capable of provoking any thoughts. But I do want to stop and take notice of how much press polyamory has been getting lately. Starting with the New York Times coverage of Poly Pride last year, continuing with the recent Newsweek article and all of the press surrounding the books Opening Up, Open, and the new edition of The Ethical Slut. (For news stories on polyamory, I highly recommend the Poly in the Media blog.)

And, the most dubious and most significant badge of honor: polyamory has an enemy on the Christian Right now. Patrick Fagan, Ph.D., delivered an anti-poly speech at the World Congress of Families in Amsterdam last month, and although his condemnation seems to mostly apply to cheaters in his own monogamous circles rather than ethically nonmonogamous polyamorists, his decision to use (or, misuse) the term "polyamory" has definitely raised the profile of a movement that is probably nonmonogamy's best face.

Interview With Some REAL Polyamory Experts

I'm happy to answer some questions now and then, but some real poly experts are weighing in on Briar Patch Magazine's site. Be sure to check out the joint interview with Jenny Block and Tristan Taormino, authors of Open and Opening Up, respectively.

Apparently I'm Some Kind of Polyamory Expert

A weird thing has been happening for the last week or so. I'm a member of an online dating site where I have a profile that says I'm polyamorous. I've never been remotely successful at using this site, by the way. Luckily I'm slightly better at meeting people in real life.

Suddenly, in the last little while, people have been contacting me and asking me questions about polyamory. Which I have been happily answering because I think it's great that people are considering polyamory and I want to help them along. Friends have accused me of believing that everyone would be happier if they were polyamorous and that just isn't true. However I do believe that many people are conditioned to believe nonmonogamy can't work in serious relationships and so, while they might be kind of turned on by the idea, they never give it a chance. I live in hope that I'll answer a question someday that will make a difference to one of those people because I used to be one. So, even though I'm no Dan Savage, feel free to write me if you have a question. You can reach me at geekysex@gmail.com.

In case anyone was wondering about the same thing these people asked, here are the questions I've answered so far.

So I went to a womyn's retreat last weekend where we talked a lot about polyamory, and I also have a friend who is also polyamorous ... this concept intrigues me. What is the difference between open relationships and polyamorous? I'd like to learn more. I'm def open to open relationsips but can't get into this hierarchical ranking of "primary" etc partners. Any advice in exploreing this arena would be appreciated...

There isn't really a big difference between polyamory and open relationships. Polyamory is a semi-organized movement these days, so people who call themselves polyamorous are more likely to be following a set of very strict ethical rules, while people who say they have an open relationship may be flying blind a little bit more. But not always. Not even close to always, in fact.

There are a whole lot of books about polyamory these days. I would recommend The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, which has been the poly "bible" for more than a decade; or Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, which talks about all sorts of nonmonogamous relationships other than polyamory (swinging, for instance). If you're more in the mood for a testimonial/memoir then Open, by Jenny Block, isn't bad. You can get these books at an independent bookstore like Bluestockings or frequently at Babeland. There are also a few poly groups in the New York area -- Polyamorous NYC and Tri-State Poly (a Yahoo! group). I don't attend those very much myself -- I'm more of a Christmas and Easter type, so I show up for Poly Pride, which is Friday 10/9 and Saturday 10/10 this year. Finally, I'd recommend the Polyamory Weekly podcast, by Cunning Minx.

I'm interested in knowing who was proselytizing for polyamory at the womyn's retreat you went to. I'm not surprise to learn that polyamory is being talked about there -- it is a movement that's definitely being run by women (for instance, all of the authors and the podcaster I mentioned are female). Anyway, I'd love to know exactly how you got interested, and why it appeals to you.

In theory I'm poly, but at the moment I'm still sorting it out. I just met someone for whom my feelings are so passionate and strong that it's making me question polyamory. Scary stuff. Have you been able to make multiple serious relationships work? I thought I could, but now I don't know.

Unlike mono relationships, which have some set rules, poly relationships are kind of anything goes (as long as everyone agrees). It's difficult to say when one is successful except that you're happy with it at the moment. I am right now, but that doesn't really make me an expert. Multiple serious relationships CAN work -- I've seen it happen and I've been a part of it. But it definitely doesn't always work for everybody.

As someone who considers herself poly "in theory," I don't think it's wrong for you to get into a monogamous relationship. It will give you a chance to really commit to each other. Then, if you want to open the relationship down the road, you'll do it with a really strong foundation to build from. Or maybe you'll stay happily monogamous forever. That's cool too. So if I were in your position -- in love and drawn towards monogamy (congratulations, by the way!) -- and didn't have a number of other relationships at that moment, I would definitely go with my gut and begin a mono relationship. But the first thing I would do is check with my partner to make sure it really is monogamous because a lot of people take that for granted at the beginning of a serious relationship and sometimes there's a misunderstanding. And while I was having that conversation I would say something like, "I'm asking 'cause I don't think a relationship necessarily needs to be monogamous to be serious. I want to commit to a monogamous relationship with you but if somewhere down the road you ever think you want to try an open relationship I'd be open to discussing that."

polyamory is stupid. stupid stupid stupid and its just a reason to put your dick in as much vagina as possible. just stay oh i dont know single?

Ok, thanks for your opinion. You have a nice day now.

Polyamory in Newsweek

Hi everyone. I'm back, more or less! Just in time to see that polyamory is getting some love in Newsweek!

IML Leather Market

I spent last weekend visiting my partner Annabelle and her fiancé R. in Chicago and had a wonderful time. Last weekend in Chicago is what has been referred to a "Kinky Christmas" because both Shibari Con and International Mr. Leather are happening simultaneously. Unfortunately I didn't get to go to the first one (maybe next year) but I did spend a wonderful afternoon at the IML Leather Market which Annabelle tells me is the largest sale of kinky products in the world.

Imagine a hotel convention room full of nothing but BDSM paraphinalia -- floggers, ropes, S&M porn, hot clothing made of leather and rubber and vinyl, elaborate whipping posts, dudes getting laced up in leather body bags or trying on straitjackets -- and a whole bunch of gay men wondering around in fetish gear shopping. And then, just when you think you've been through it all you discover there's another convention room the same size with even more stuff. I woke up really early to catch my plane out there so it might have just been sleep deprivation but I was overwhelmed. I went there planning to splurge and buy some stuff but there was just so much selection I found myself making mental notes of what I might want to come back for -- and then forgetting! It was a bit like being a kid and suddenly being turned loose in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Where do you start? I did get a wooden paddle and pair of SAP gloves, basic items that I've been looking for, so it wasn't a total loss. I also tried on a vest from North Bound Leather that I really liked and found a flogger I was particularly fond of at Mr. S (couldn't find a picture or link, unfortunately). So I definitely have an idea for a souvenir I'd like to buy on my next trips to Toronto and San Francisco.

As an added bonus I ran into and got to briefly talk to Cunning Minx from the Poly Weekly podcast but didn't get to talk to her too much. Annabelle and R. know her so much better than I do that I barely have anything to add when they're together! Dan Savage was also at the Leather Market that day but I didn't see him (Annabelle might have). He wrote a great article on Slog about IML that drives home one of the reasons it's so great.

Speaking of Annabelle and R., take a moment to read Annabelle's newest article at Sexgenderbody which is about why a poly person such as her would possibly want to get married.

Podcast Round-up: Recent History

Swingercast, ep. 63 and Sex is Fun, ep. 174: This week both Swingercast and Sex is Fun are reporting on the fun and hijinks at the Swingercast's group excursion to the Desire Resort in Cancún, a resort Kidder refers to as "the sexiest place on Earth." I was seriously green with envy hearing about their vacation. And if you want to hear the dirty stories (you do!) listen to Kidder and Jade in BathTalk Weekly 4/13/09, BathTalk Weekly 4/15/09, BathTalk Weekly 4/22/09, and BathTalk Weekly 5/7/09

Savage Lovecast, ep. 133: In this week's Lovecast the emphasis is on the savage 'cause Dan apparently left the empathy at home. However Tristan Taormino drops by to cheer him up and discuss polyamory with one caller planning to open her relationship.

Sex is Fun, ep. 172 and 173: Kidder, Laura, Coochie and Gay Rick discuss sex addiction with clinical social worker Jim Stoltz. Our beloved hosts are obviously kind of resistant to the whole idea, since the term is frequently thrown around in a sex negative context. However Stoltz's expertise and patient explanation quickly win them over to the idea that it is possible to have too much sex, and a fascinating discussion follows. The second part is here.

Polyamory Weekly, ep. 202 and 203: In her past two episodes Cunning Minx has brought us a lecture by Oberon Zell about the history of polyamory, including his own thirty year experience in the lifestyle. The second part is here.

The Stacks - The Ethical Slut

The Ethical Slut, 1st ed.
by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt
Greenery Press, 1997

This is it -- the original polyamory manifesto, the old stand-by for college students looking to sow some wild oats, aging hippies holding on to free love... and, of course, the rest of us. In a single volume Dossie Easton and her writing partner Janet Hardy (writing under a pen name here) lay out the case for having multiple relationships concurrently with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

The Ethical Slut was a truly groundbreaking book. It came out at a time when the idea that a person could practice nonmonogamy openly and with the full consent of everyone involved was a revolutionary one. Very few people had proposed that jealousy is a cultural construct that can be fought, dealt with and overcome rather than a bred-in-the-bone instinct against which we were completely powerless. It was the dawn of the Religious Right, so Easton and Hardy were certainly bucking the trend by suggesting that sex is fun and pleasure is good for you.

The book had some faults that later books like Tristan Taormino's Opening Up would improve upon. Easton and Hardy were focused primarily on what Taormino would later term "partnered nonmonogamy" (where each person has one primary partner, plus a few secondary partners) and more or less neglected other kinds of polyamory. Their research was limited mainly to their own experiences and those of their friends, and so the book left some doubt that nonmonogamy could be successfully implemented outside of San Francisco aging-hippie circles. But despite these shortcomings and a multitude of other books that tried to do better (with occasional success) The Ethical Slut remained the gold standard in polyamory guides for more than a decade.


The Ethical Slut, 2nd ed.
by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
Celestial Arts, 2009

This past March, Easton and Hardy (now fully out of the closet and publishing under her real name) finally returned to give their most famous book an update. You're probably asking, "Should I bother reading the second edition if I've already read the first one?" I think the answer is probably yes.

Twelve years ago The Ethical Slut was doing something that was totally unheard of -- presenting ethical polyamory with all the attendant consent and communication as an alternative to lifelong monogamy. This absolutely revolutionary proposition required the book's authors to set up a dichotomy between monogamy and polyamory, examining the underlying assumptions of a monogamous culture. Well, times have changed. In the last twelve years open relationships have gone from being the subject of shame, scandal and intense secrecy to the subject of popular TV shows. A few years after the first edition came out in 1997 people widely began to speculate that Bill and Hillary Clinton might have an open relationship and the visibility of nonmonogamy only increased from there.

There's no need for The Ethical Slut to be a polyamory manifesto anymore. The idea is in the zeitgeist already. At times, reading the second edition, I missed the old, proselytising Slut with its blatant and sometimes slightly outrageous challenges to conventional relationships. But when I feel a sense of loss I have to stop and admit that it's probably a good thing that Easton and Hardy have stopped trying to pass themselves off as sociological experts by floating complicated theories about monogamy's supposed roots in outdated agrarian cultures. The Ethical Slut has given up this type of missionary work to finally become what it was intended to be all along -- a relationship book.

The new edition is a longer read and it's been edited so it focuses more purely on relationship styles. Passages of the old book that presented polyamory as a challenge to monogamous values have been cut or placed in a context that deemphasizes them. In their place Easton and Hardy have supplied even more wise suggestions for communicating with your partners as well as exercises that can be done alone to gain insight into oneself or as a couple to build intimacy.

The second edition builds admirably on the shortcomings of the first but doesn't overcome them completely. In 1997, Easton and Hardy's expertise on polyamory seemed to come with a lot of speculation and optimism. Now after twelve years as polyamory experts they've encountered enough poly people to speak with real authority. However the focus remains limited to San Francisco -- readers who are put off by talk of hippie ideas like tantric sex had best read Jenny Block's Open instead. While the book remains focused on partnered nonmonogamy the chapters on solo polyamory and group arrangements are more prominent.

My overall impression of the second edition is that The Ethical Slut has grown up. The book, like its authors and readers, seems to have gained experience and become a little wiser with the years. This book is no longer a polemic. It's just a guide to the hard work necessary to live a polyamorous lifestyle.

Hedda Lettuce Is Poly!

We crazy polyamorists love it when we can claim a celebrity -- what sexual minority doesn't? Poly NYC just sent out a mass e-mail because NYC drag queen Hedda Lettuce (the most environmentally friendly drag queen, or so I've heard) just came out as polyamorous on her blog.

Family - Poly Web Series

While catching up on some of the blogs I've neglected reading the past few busy months I discovered that some amateur filmmakers from Seattle have started a web series called Family about a polyamorous triad. There are already twelve episodes, the first of which is above. This alternative lifestyle is verging on becoming trendy!

Episode #1: "Not What the Neighbors Think" (embedded above)
Episode #2: "Dewdrop In"
Episode #3: "The Famous Jim"
Episode #4: "Ten O'Clock News"
Episode #5: "Reality TV"
Episode #6: "Brian the Plumber"
Episode #7: "Meet the Parents, Part One"
Episode #8: "Meet the Parents, Part Two"
Episode #9: "Don't"
Episode #10: "Grant's Tomb"
Episode #11: "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Part One"
Episode #12: "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Part Two"

Should Mormon Polygamy Be Legalized?

I just watched this BBC report about the campaign in Utah to legalize Mormon polygamy. The video, which is an interview with what appears to be a very healthy polygamous Morman family.

I've always had some problems with the Mormon version of polygamy -- which should more accurately be called polygyny since in true polygamy a woman would be allowed to have multiple husbands but the Mormons don't allow it. But the children in this video certainly don't seem to be living under the threat of underage arranged marriage and everyone seems quite satisfied with their lifestyle.

I do support polyamory (which, let's face it, is a term we made up because the Mormons had given "polygamy" a funny aftertaste), so why am I so uncomfortable about Mormon polygamy? Mormon refusal to embrace polyandry (one woman, many men) is definitely party of it. The fact that it is religiously prescribed is also a part of it (though the daughters in the video certainly seem to have freedom of choice). And we've all heard to most egregious cases of arranged marriage and victimization of underaged girls. But wouldn't those excesses be easier to stop if polygamous marriage was legal?

So, while I have some reservations about the Mormon religion, I say group marriage should be legal -- for Mormons and for anybody else, polygynous, polyandrous or tribe, straight, gay, bisexual, trans or gender queer.

Although one cynical thought did enter my head -- wouldn't it be ironic if the entire campaign were sabotaged by gay people from California?

Podcast Round-up: Weeks of 2/15/08 & 2/22/09

Savage Lovecast, ep. 122: Thanks to abstenience-only education our daughters are getting butt fucked by straight guys and having kids with fags, according to Dan. One caller is so, so sad because he has an enormous cock and his friends make fun of him. Alcohol is a key player in a poly drama. And a lesbian takes offense. A lot of offense.

Savage Lovecast, ep. 123: A girl wonders if she should move in after three years, another wonders why she's never felt any kind of sexual pleasure, even from masturbating, a gay couple asks for an argument arbitration, a soon-to-be divorcee won asks what she should tell her three-year-old about her gay husband, and one of the Tech Savvy At Risk Youth finally gets to talk on the air.

Ropecast 2/22/08: It's Gray Dancer's fortieth birthday and the spanking is delivered, on the air, by Lolita Wolf, the leather yenta. Gray also tells us what kinds of ropes he prefers, reviews different kinds of nipple clamps and gives us the news from this year's Dark Odyssey S&M conference.

The Mistress's Podcast 2/17/09: Matisse and Monk take a week off from kinky sex to discuss fashion. Does Monk prefer single- or double-breasted suits? Does Matisse prefer to dress like Siouxsie Sioux or Catherine Deneuve? And just what should the smart set wear to Seattle kink events this season? News flash, everyone: kinky people are sometimes a little anal about details!

The Stacks - Open

Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage
by Jenny Block
Seal Press, 2008

Jenny Block wants to make sure you understand that she's normal. She dated in high school and college, sowed some wild oats, experimented with bisexuality, then met a man whom she fell madly in love with, got married, had a daughter, moved to the suburbs, started a career, had some marital problems but worked them out through good inter-spousal communication and now lives with her husband in a stable, quiet open marriage. Wait, huh?

If you're already practicing polyamory or if you're familiar with it, Block's book won't be much of a revelation for you. The parts where she is explaining the logical reasons why she chose open marriage are the same as what you'll find in many other books on the subject, such at The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt (aka Janet Hardy), or Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. And the parts where she's relating her trials and tribulations as she worked out how to have an open marriage will be a story that you've heard a hundred times.

The book's contribution is its appeal to people who are not polyamorous, who have never met a polyamorous person and who freak out at the very idea of open marriage—the people who believe that if you're going to find love outside of your marriage, you should at least have the decency to lie about it to everyone you know. Those people can dismiss Easton and Hardy as established BDSM players in San Francisco. They can dismiss Taormino as a porn director and female anal sex expert. But they're going to have a harder time dismissing Block.

Block walks you step by step through her process of deciding to open her marriage. She doesn't sugar coat the mistakes she has made, nor does she claim to have discovered all the answers. While Block does take time out to discuss some of the built-in double standards and mixed messages aimed at women in monogamous marriages, her feminism doesn't go as far as The Ethical Slut (which theorizes that monogamy exists to pass on land in an agrarian society). By sticking to her personal experience and removing a lot of the politics of sexual liberation that can be off putting, Block has created a good introduction to polyamory for the uninitiated.

Podcast Round-Up: Week of 11/3/08

Savage Lovecast, ep. 107: After placing a curse on the genitals of any podcast listeners who don't vote for Barack Obama, Dan answers questions from a personal trainer looking for a long term relationship, a teenager whose girlfriend is afraid to try oral and a man who wants to stop coming like a geyser, among others.

Ropecast 11/2/08: Graydancer gives advice on giving people advice, brags about his teaching ability, tells us about steam punk and shares his thoughts on meatloaf.

Poly Weekly, ep. 178: Minx tells us five things you should say on a first date.

A Reality Series About Polyamory

A independent television production company in Brooklyn, Linton Media, has announced an open casting call for a reality show about polyamory. Produced by Birgitte Philippides, president of Polyamorous NYC, the series will follow five polyamorous people and their various partners. The producer is willing to cast 20 to 35 year olds, gay, straight, bi or trans, longtime poly people or the poly-curious. The audition notice claims there is "strong network interest," and indeed Linton's previous work (which has dealt with LGBT issues, homophobia, AIDS, and drug culture) has aired on Logo, VH1, PBS, HBO, Bravo, TLC, A&E and Sundance Channel.

You're probably wondering how's this going to work? Is it going to follow these five lucky people around cinéma verité style? Will they vote one poly person off the island (Manhattan) every episode? Will the show be a real exploration of an unknown and very misunderstood type of alternative sexuality, or is is just meant to thrill and delight viewers by letting them gawk at the sex freaks? "This is not the kind of show that people will get voted off, I assure you!" Katherine Linton, president of Linton Media, told me this week. "We are looking for dynamic people to follow. Birgitte is one of the Executive Producers so yes she is very involved and will be conducting the casting call."

Auditions for the show are this Friday, October 24, at 68 Jay Street, Suite 409, Brooklyn, New York.

Podcast Round-Up: Week of 10/19/08

Savage Lovecast, ep. 105: "I'm not your therapist, I'm just some dumb faggot with a podcast," says Dan during this week's Lovecast. Up this week are a woman who doesn't think her ass is up to the girth of her husband's cock, a lady loner who's suddenly feeling co-dependant, a bisexual guy on the outs with his boyfriend, a vanilla woman confused about her relationship with a nonmonogamous, bisexual cross-dresser, and a 17 year old girl who has apparently been the victim of abstinence-only education.

Sex Is Fun, ep. 145: Kidder, Laura Rad, Coochie and Gay Rick discuss the ins and outs (so to speak) of friends with benefits.

Poly Weekly, ep. 177: Minx continues her coverage of Poly Pride with interviews of Birgitte Philippides, president of Polyamorous NYC; Pete Benson, author of The Polyamory Handbook; and Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski, creators of Cuddle Party.

The Ropecast, 10-16-08: Gray Dancer covers the TOROGRUE bondage conference in Toronto.

The Stacks: Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino

Opening Up
by Tristan Taormino
Cleis Press, 2008. English. 299 pp.

Polyamory is going mainstream -- or so the leaders of the polyamory movement keep telling us. At first glance monogamy seems to be firmly entrenched as the way western society falls in love but one sign of change is the number of books that have been published about poly relationships recently. Opening Up, by sex columnist and porn director Tristan Taormino, is one of the best.

This book isn't only about polyamory (the lifestyle choice of multiple open relationships at the same time). Taormino's ambitious goal is to explore all the alternatives to traditional monogamy, and to do so she relies on far more than her own experience -- she conducted interviews with 126 practitioners of alternative relationship styles. With their experiences to help her she defines six basic types of open relationship (partnered nonmonogamy, swinging, polyamory, solo polyamory, polyfidelity and mono/poly combinations) and proceeds to lay out the pros and cons of each, along with strategies to fight jealousy, weather sudden changes, come out to the people in your lives (or not), raise children and find compersion.

For more than a decade ago a book called The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt (aka Janet Hardy), has been considered the definitive book on polyamory, the last word on the subject, so to speak. My question going into Opening Up was: Can Tristan Taormino find anything fresh that justifies writing her own book?

Taormino's broader approach, her determination to capture nonmonogamy in all its variety and complexity, does the trick. In the past, poly books have mostly focused on partnered nonmonogamy and polyfidelity. Taormino covers those, along with the usual communication skills that polyamorists value so. However, this book blazes some new ground by giving equal treatment to solo polyamory, nonmonogamy for people who temporarily or permanently aren't interested in a primary relationship; and mono/poly combinations, relationships where one partner is monogamous and the other isn't. This last type of relationship is extremely common, yet many people, monogamous and nonmonogamous alike, have difficulty accepting it. The poly partner must be taking advantage of the mono one, right...? (Wrong.)

This book also impressed me with its nuanced approach to the discussion of children in poly relationships. Since nonmonogamous people are not protected by the law, some of Taormino's interview subjects have lived nightmare scenarios, being declared unfit parents because they were out of the closet about their open relationships. In some cases, biological poly parents have even fewer rights than gay adoptive parents. That's an important thing to hear if you're considering this lifestyle, and something other books have been known to gloss over.

Those other poly books were written only from the authors' personal experience. That's where Taormino's research allows her to stand out. Other books have nothing approaching the variety of experience she's presents and that's why Opening Up succeeds so brilliantly.

Podcast Round-Up

Polyamory Weekly, ep. 176: Minx talks about her trip to NYC to attend Poly Pride, and about the first National Poly Leadership Summit. She interviews a few luminaries in the poly community and with more interviews to come in the next few episodes

Savage Lovecast, ep. 104: Dan answers questions from a man who wonders if he's addicted to relationships, a girl who's mom will only pay for college if she doesn't move in with her boyfriend, a woman who's already in couples counseling with her fiancé, and a bisexual dude whose boyfriends have an annoying habit of falling in love with him.

Sex is Fun, ep. 145: In the second part of a two part interview, Rachel Kramer Bussel talks to Kidder and Company about writing erotica, her own turn-ons, and a career hazard for sex writers -- all the people they know who can't talk openly about sex want your advice on everything!

Mistress Matisse's Podcast: Matisse and Monk are answering the mail. A bi girl who's into rough sex, bondage, anal, pressure point play and has hot fantasies about submitting to men and dominating women wants Matisse to tell her if she's kinky or not. Plus, a guy wants to know how to start a professional relationship with a pro domme.

Poly Pride

What's polyamory? The blog's still new so let me define that basic term. It means a lot of different things to different people, but basically it means dating nonmonogamously. A polyamorous person believes that sexual monogamy is not a necessary ingredient in love, and as long as everybody knows what's going on it's okay to have sex and fall in love with more than just one main squeeze. If you've heard of swinging, ménages à trois, or open relationships, you've heard of polyamory.

Last weekend (October 3-5) was Poly Pride in New York City and yours truly was there for most of the events. As usual, Polyamorous NYC did a great job organizing.

The kick off was definitely the most fun of the whole weekend. On Friday night Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski, founders of the even popular Cuddle Party, hosted a "super massive" version of their signature event at the LGBT Community Center in Greenwich Village. With a hundred and twenty people in attendance it was the biggest Cuddle Party ever, according to the hosts. The Cuddle Party is a workshop that teaches people how to safely touch others and be touched and not be touched in our touch-starved, touch-phobic culture -- but mainly it's a chance to cuddle with hot friends and strangers!! I cuddled with a sexy art student from out of town, and made a few new friends to boot. I also got to meet Cunning Minx and Alan from the Poly Weekly podcast, which was a hoot. I had talked to Alan for twenty minutes before I recognized his voice.

The next day was the Poly Pride rally in Central Park, hosted by Hedda Lettuce, the greenest drag queen in the five boroughs. There were some great speakers like Cunning Minx, Robyn Trask from Loving More and sex columnist Tristan Taormino, not to mention a hilarious poly clown show. It was followed up by an afterparty which was a bit of a disappointment to me. Last year's party was a much more mellow outing featuring a performance by the inimitable Wet Spots. This year the organizers opted for a more traditional dancing and loud techno music sort of evening. I couldn't hear a word anyone was saying. That's ironic -- polyamory is supposed to be all about communication! The weekend concluded at Bluestockings bookstore with a reading/signing of two new books about polyamory: Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino and Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, by Jenny Block.

Nonetheless it was a great weekend, a celebration of one of the most accessible, most feared, least understood kinds of alternative sexuality.