It's Hard Being More Enlightened Than Everyone Else

A few weeks ago I had a visit from my partner Annabelle and her husband. They are a polyamorous, kinky, sex-positive, politically liberal and totally awesome couple and they have a habit of saying, "It's hard being more enlightened than everyone else."

Ninety percent of the time that's a joke but there's also some truth to it. Of course, they aren't the type who would just come out and say that their sexual choices (kinky, poly, open-minded) make them somehow more enlightened than someone who makes different choices. Nor am I. But, speaking only for myself now, sometimes it's difficult not to think it. It sounds unbelievably smug, superior and condescending to think that one is more enlightened than other people, but on the rare occasions that I start to feel that was it's usually accompanied not by smugness but by despair.

To point out a (not very personal) example, I want to mention a recent This American Life show -- the title and topic of the episode was "Infidelity" (listen here). The episode begins by talking about the Mark Sanford scandal and spins off from there into several tales about people cheating on their partners.

You might think that, as a nonmonogamous person, I'm probably a smug bastard about the fact that I've never cheated, not because I'm so high and mighty but because I've never really had to -- and you'd be right. I can be very obnoxious. I made a regrettable inappropriate joke at a party recently that drew some sharp glances. For the most part, however, I'm out of the stage that comes early in a person's polygamous life where they feel the need to proselytize for nonmonogamy. But the one time that I honestly do start to think, "It's hard being more enlightened than everyone else," is when I hear stories infidelity in supposedly monogamous relationships create such misery in so many lives. This American Life came out back in October and I decided to listen to it for this blog but it took me a month and four tries to finish it because it was so difficult to listen to stories about that kind of pain.

It depresses me so much to hear about John Edwards, Mark Sanford and Tiger Woods, not to mention This American Life or a friend of mine who just went through a break-up full of unfounded jealous accusations, that at my lowest moments I do sort of wonder why people put themselves through it again and again and never start to question the idea of monogamy. I mean, I assume it's because of that comforting feeling that your partner loves only you, that you fulfill their every need, that you complete them in every way and therefore have total control over their sexual and emotional desires. I can see how that would be attractive but isn't it totally impossible? Shouldn't people get comfortable with the fact that it's totally impossible and go from there?

I don't know, but when I hear about the wreckage infidelity leaves in so many lives I get depressed enough that I'm tempted to say yes. And I don't want to be that guy who actually thinks he's more enlightened, who actually thinks he knows what's best for everybody else. Those people are almost invariably so far behind they think they're first, and I don't want that to be me. Sometimes it's just kind of depressing...