Thursday, January 15, 2009

Define a Sex Term

As anyone who reads about sex, is interested in sex, or has ever had sex should know, Rick Warren, the pastor of the Saddleback Church, an evangelical megachurch in Lake Forest, California, has been invited to give the invocation at Barack Obama's inauguration next Tuesday. Warren is much more progressive on a lot of issues than most evangelicals which is undoubtedly why he was invited. Unfortunately Warren isn't so progressive when it comes to gay rights -- he was a big supporter of Prop 8, one of the few dark spots of the November elections. It's hard not to see inviting a California homophobe to the Inauguration as a tacit approval of Prop 8. Obama has tried take some of the sting out of this sleight by inviting gay Episcopalian bishop Gene Robinson to give the Inauguration prayer but some people are still royally pissed off.

One of the most creative and hilarious reactions is coming this week from sex columnist Dan Savage -- and the good news is we all can be a part of it. During an interview with Savage last month Stephen Colbert suggested that Saddleback, the name of Warren's church, sounds like some kind of gay sex. Ever since then Savage has been gathering possible definitions for the term from his readers and in this week's column he puts the final definition up for a vote. This isn't new ground for Savage. He and his readers coined the term pegging (anal sex with a dildo), and they forever stained (pun intended) the reputation of Senator Rick Santorum by giving his name to the frothy mixture of feces and lube that is sometimes the accidental by-product of anal sex.

The nominated definitions are:
(1) "Logically, if 'barebacking' means having butt sex with no condom, then 'saddlebacking' should mean having butt sex with a condom."

(2) "Saddleback (verb): to submit someone to any kind of humiliating, unreciprocal sex act, either literally or metaphorically, consented to by passive partner due to submissive/masochistic tendencies, desire for approval, or other darker motive. E.g., 'I don't know why Obama is letting Rick Warren saddleback him into presiding over his inauguration.'"

(3) "The saddleback position involves placing your lubed dick between the butt cheeks of your partner. This position can be performed on your sides or on top of a facedown partner (maybe with a pillow under his or her hips). My favorite way of finishing up the saddlebacking is to lift up and come on my wife's sweaty back. The saddleback is a nice compromise position when your partner won't allow anal entry."

(4) "To saddleback is to rail against gay sex in public while secretly indulging in the same in private. Ted Haggard? Total saddlebacker. Larry Craig? Saddlebacker. Rick Warren? Probably a saddlebacker."

(5) "'Saddlebacking' should be the term for the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities. 'After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she's saving herself for marriage.' Please, please adopt this definition!"

(6) "Saddleback (verb): to ejaculate on the back of a partner at the culmination of doggy-style anal sex."

(7) "Before being invited to give the invocation, Mr. Warren was most noted for his book The Purpose Driven Life. Therefore, 'to saddleback' is to fuck with a purpose, i.e., to procreate. A heterosexual couple asked if they're trying to have children could reply, 'No, we're not ready for kids yet, but we'll probably start saddlebacking next year.'"

I myself favor definition #5. I think it's perfect. You can vote for the one you like best by sending an e-mail to with the subject line "saddleback: 5" (or whatever definition you favor). Remember, voting is your civil duty!

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